A Cup of Tea
by TheVanishingSpectacles
Summary: 14. "But sometimes, we have to make decisions and do things that are out of our will, because we love that certain person and we can never be enough for them, even if they say otherwise."


** A Cup of Tea**  
_A HotaruxKoko Oneshot_

Summary: "But sometimes, we have to make decisions and do things that are out of our will, because we love that certain person and we can never be enough for them, even if they say otherwise."

Author's Note: I really love the strange pairing of Hotaru and Koko and I'm a very big fan even though I know not many of you will agree. But I hope you will soon see the beauty of it. The story may not contain much and can be a bit vague because I was pressed to write this while feeling very sentimental over listening to this song I cannot remember. I hope you'll enjoy! :)

* * *

"_You can love someone so much, but you can never love people as much as you can miss them_."

Running her index finger over this line, Hotaru Imai flicked her eyes to the shaft of golden light entering her room through her open window. The small bubble-like particles were visibly floating on the current of afternoon light. She was sitting on her bed, her back leaning against the wall and her legs bent lightly, her white blanket draped over her knees. She had been reading for almost two hours, after she had her light meal lunch.

She breathed as if to ready herself to dwell again on the same line she got stuck at. Just as she was to return to her former pace, her mobile phone's alarm beeped twice. There was tight knot in her insides and she cringed silently.

She pinched the page she was at and reached for her bookmark, which she placed on her current page before she shut her book and hid it under her pillow. The alarm beeped again, and this time, she bent her body forward and looked at the glowing screen, where someone's smile that she loved most showed.

"_Here, that way, you'll never hate waking up by your alarm again_," she remembered him said when he changed her home screen wallpaper to his face. The corners of his eyes crinkled whenever he smiled and his eyes conveyed everything he felt that time; he loved her and no one else. He might be an idiot compared to her level, but he loved her and always loved her and it was enough for her. And she loved him and always loved him back.

"But sometimes, we have to make decisions and do things that are out of our will, because we love that certain person and we can never be enough for them, even if they say otherwise."

Silence washed over as she put off the alarm and told herself what had become her daily mantra recently. The sound of nothingness killed her inside, destructed the already unsteady wave inside her mind; she could hardly think straight and imagine how things would end later.

She got to her feet, wobbly, and went to take a shower. _Maybe_, she thought, _the cold water could help_ _numb the anticipated pain_.

* * *

Hotaru hated Sundays. No, in fact to be precise, she loathed it. The day had always seemed to weaken her physically and yoke the rest of her.

So what she often did to keep herself composed was spend some hours of the day walking with her brown-haired man. They would go somewhere to have a cup of tea and he would love his with three teaspoons of sugar. He'd grin apologetically, which she refused to admit 'cute', but she loved him, so on very special days, she'd simply say "I love you" and he understood that it meant a great deal for her to say that. The creases on the tips of his eyes would reappear as he smiled his best for her, and then he would kiss the side of her eyes and go back diluting his tea. This became a routine for her and now that she took in the reality that this would be no more, her heart lurched and she stopped on her tracks.

"Miss, are you alright?" she looked up to find a woman in her mid-thirties staring anxiously at her.

She didn't know how she appeared to be right now and she didn't dare to know, so she waved her hand off. "I'm fine, thank you."

The woman smiled and as Hotaru started walking again, she could feel the eyes of the woman following her.

She had reached her destination and she was two meters away from the door when she halted again and found him sitting alone by the corner with a window. His back was slightly bent towards the table and in between his tight lips is his straw to his mango milkshake.

He, of all people, knew she hated mangoes, but she also, like every other people, knew he loved mangoes very much. He never ordered any mango drink or any food with it when she's with him. She was also aware of the fact that he'd have his favorite mango milkshake before he'd see her. And somehow, the magnitude of his simple gesture killed her—pressed the core of her heart and the tears she suppressed have become more persistent. She could never love any man as much as she loved him.

That's why she was going to do this.

She pulled herself from her spot and entered the restaurant. He knew it was her so he called the waiter to clean his table and then he stood up. She walked over to him and sat across him.

He didn't need words to express what he thought; he always left his face unmasked. He was worried.

Hotaru nodded. "You know how Sundays are for me."

Rarely, she drew his hand, their fingers embracing each other's hand, under the table. She was never one to show her emotions and he basked in this. She got herself a simple-minded boyfriend.

"Aren't you going to order anything?" he asked, smiling.

"I've already been given everything I could ask for."

The crinkles on his eyes got longer as his eyes folded thinner and he smiled wider. "Can I kiss your right now Hotaru?"

She smirked, "No."

They fell into silence.

"I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize for anything," he said.

Her heart leaped. Did he know?

"But please, consider all the Sundays we've walked. . . . Please think again," he continued. "I can change. If there's anything you don't like about me."

She remembered her mantra: _"But sometimes, we have to make decisions and do things that are out of our will, because we love that certain person and we can never be enough for them, even if they say otherwise._"

"You're perfect, Koko," she pressed her fingers against him. "I can never love any guy as much as I love you. But you love me more than I do for you and that's ou—no, my problem. It's _my_ burden to carry." She let go of his hand, and on her own lap, curled her digits.

"Has it ever occurred to you that you're not alone Hotaru, that I'm here? That I'm always here for you?"

Her face turned ashen. She choked and wanted to take back her words. But she knew she couldn't and she didn't have to.

"If it's love, well no, I can't love you any less than I do. I'm in love with you. Very much," his voice sounded pleading, and indeed he was. It ruptured her heart to fragments.

She looked deep into his eyes and never doubted for a second that he loved her. She did, too. But she was bringing him to his destruction. Any time in the future, this would happen. It's inevitable. In the future, the hurt he'd feel would be much worse than this.

_Sometimes . . . can never be enough . . . make decisions . . . do things_. . . .

"You're right. I've never felt alone since I met you, Koko, and that you can't love me any less. That can change, or maybe it won't. But I'm incapable, right now and maybe even in the future, to return it. You'll be disappointed. That is why I'm doing this, so that you'll be hurt less."

He was about to speak when she cut him off.

"I don't know how much hurt you are feeling about my decision, and neither can you measure up how I feel right now. I'm foolish, I take that. But what I'm not going to accept is you making a fool of yourself because of me."

Koko hung his head low, his bangs shadowing his eyes. Before him, she could see his veins tightening. He gulped. "You're so heartless." A low, bitter laugh emitted from him.

Hotaru smiled, apologetically, to him even though he couldn't see. She knew that he had somehow understood what she was telling him. That no matter how much he loved her, or she loved him, she felt insufficient for him. He obviously didn't appreciate it, but if he loved her, he would have to let him go just like how she was doing right now.

He finally spoke again. "Hotaru?"

Hotaru stood up, and her fists curled no more, she said, "I'm going to miss you."

She walked away from him, from the man she feared would leave her alone in the future because she couldn't give him the love he supplied to her. A coward, that's what she knew she was, for evading the future and deciding things in her own matters.


End file.
